mngirl2002's Cancer Blog
November 5, 2007
| Ugh Monday | Views: 181 |
I thought things would go back to normal now that Kevin is home. Instead my emotions got the best of me this weekend. I was sensitive and irritable. That time of month couldn’t explain it. I blew up at Kevin and said things I didn’t mean.
I feel so bad. Apparently it’s not surprising that now that crisis mode is over, all the emotions I’ve been repressing are resurfacing. A sticky, slimey mess of emotional goo oozing over everything.
According to some girlfriends, it’s also completely understandable that I am having territorial issues with Kevin’s friend Laurie. Unfortunately it’s mixing in with the goo. I’m quite explosive these days.
Laurie has been great. She’s been helping take care of Kevin, which has allowed me to take care of me, which has allowed me to be more emotionally there for Kevin. But Marla, Ash, Joey and I decided at Sunday brunch that she’s a little socially awkward. She doesn’t have many friends in town and has a lot of time on her hands. She is the motherly type that likes to take care of people, cook, boss everyone around, etc.
The problem is that SHE’S THERE ALL THE TIME AND STARTING TO STEP ON MY TOES. Friday night was Kevin’s first night home alone. His mom and sister left that morning. I was wrong to assume we’d spend the evening alone together. But I got so mad when I found out that Kevin invited Laurie over too. He said he hadn’t seen her all week and that she had been bugging him about seeing him and making sure he was ok. He ended up cancelling on her and inviting her over on Saturday instead. I felt bad… until I overhead him asking her to cook on Saturday! I have no idea why that made me so upset. Partly I guess it made me feel inadequate and like Kevin didn’t need me anymore and was pushing me away.
Talk about pathetic: I was supposed to go dancing with the girls on Saturday since Kevin and Laurie were hanging out that evening. But the ball of emotional goo was still there so I decided it was best to stay away from everybody Saturday night. Well, being alone Saturday night wasn’t any better. I felt isolated from friends whom I haven’t seen or been able to relate to during the past few weeks. I felt isolated from Kevin who seems to be moving on and does not need me as much. I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing anymore! And it’s only been a month! I cried all night. I never thought I was one of those girls but I guess my body is trying to tell me something.
My girlfriends said that I have to apologize to Kevin—which I did—but that I do not need to explain to him what is going on. They also want me to take some control in the situation and make it clear to Laurie, who while helpful doesn’t seem to understand boundaries, that WE are grateful for her help and that she has been a big help to ME. I’m supposed to make it clear to her that we should coordinate so that Kevin is taken care of. Put the ball in my court. I’m a little uncomfortable with that.
Sunday I stayed away from Kevin and everyone. Caught up on all my TV shows (Gossip Girl is addicting. Brothers and Sisters is a little too emotional for me). Posted pics on my new facebook page. Caught up with my roomie. Of course Laurie spent the whole day with Kevin watching football and cooked him dinner. Gggrrrrr!
I see the expensive social worker today. Hopefully i’ll get my money’s worth and she’ll have some useful advice on a)how to avoid situations that might make me explode, and b)what to do when I am confronted with a situation that might make me explode.
08.16.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
so…..first of all, i think it’s fine that this happened! you’re allowed to explode every now and then, be it full of goo or not. secondly, i know you feel territorial about laurie, but maybe you can look at it from another perspective to make you feel better. for her, she gets to take care of someone. maybe she has had a situation like this before in life and didn’t do enough and is trying to make up. or she is genuinely just trying to help. for kevin, pehraps he feels bad that you’re the secretary and girlfriend and the strong one…and maybe he just wants to diversify his dependence, if that makes sense. as much as you might be “sick” of babysitting him, maybe he needs that additional interaction with ppl beyond just family and alisa. and as for you, you’re still his girlfriend, still the person he’s in love with. just you have some other girl cooking and taking care of him every now and then so YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. anyways, i know it’s hard espcially when there is no new model for this relationship now that he’s home and “crisis mode” is over. i dunno. does that help? or am i being unreasonable and too much tough love? xoxo M