mngirl2002's Cancer Blog

October 24, 2007

Juggling act

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An update to my last blog: It is 11:30pm. Couldn’t focus at work today. Last time I got the “Kevin had a bad night last night” talk without any specifics, Kevin suffered almost 6 hours of severe pain alone. So I left work at 11:30 this morning and brought my computer to the hospital. Although my managers said I probably would get LESS work done at the hospital, I figured it was worth a shot since I wasn’t getting anything done at the office. But geez, the looks I was getting today when I had to tell one manager I didn’t finish the protocol and another manager that I had to leave work. It made me realize how much this could affect any end-of-the-year promotion and raise. I was planning to juggle both and just learn how to be more efficient, but it looks like sometimes I am going to have to choose between work and emergency Kevin situations. This blows. I almost think chemo will be easier than this recovery process, but the managers i spoke to today said no. Chemo is a poison. Right.

I know some people think this is an easy decision and that I should think about myself because Kevin and I aren’t married or family, etc. But you know, stress is always going to happen. I might as well learn how to deal with it now. And I can always find a new job. I mean, I’ve already been thinking about that. This experience might actually HELP me perform better at my next job if i learn how to deal with competing demands. Now I understand why some people (most of whom are women?) factor this in to the type of job they take. I love having deadlines all the time, being in the business world. But this lifestyle might not be conducive to taking care of (knock on wood) a family member if something happened to them. What would I do then? I would probably do what I’m doing now, which is help out, but make sure I am not doing it alone.

Good thing I left work when i did. When I showed up at the hospital, there were a bunch of doctors and nurses in Kevin’s room. They were explaining to Kevin that they were opening him up again. He had gotten worse during the night and throughout the morning. Green fluid was coming out from both ends of him, and the new x-ray showed that the air bubble (not a kink like i thought before) that they detected in his abdomen last night was getting bigger, not better. The good news was that his white blood cell count was lower and Kevin had no fever. They couldn’t tell if Kevin had an infection or an ulcer or what so the surgeon made the decision to go back in to get a visual. I tried not to cry in front of Kevin but to see the defeat in his eyes, that there was no choice but to do this all over again for another week… oh it was painful to watch.

Luckily surgery was fast. Turns out it was an infection, and they were able to ease some of Kevin’s complications. Kevin’s mom and I were so relieved. Kevin however is back to being depressed. They didn’t close his wound (the abdominal opening) this time in order to avoid infection. It’s like they closed up the abdominal muscles but his skin is loosely connected by stitches (eeewwww). Two tubes that help drain his infection protrude from the wound. And there still are the tubes down his nose that also drain the infection. Unlike the first surgery, Kevin saw none of this coming. So you can imagine his shock when he woke up.

HAPPY NEWS: Kevin only has stage 2 cancer! So chemo shouldn’t be too bad. But honestly, after this recovery process, I am less optimistic. I think i’ll only stop holding my breath once chemo is over. Maybe that’s how Kevin feels to because he had me send an update to friends and work about the follow-up surgery and not the pathology results. And Kevin’s dad drove back to DC today to help take care of Kevin. Now I don’t have to worry about his mom as much. Of course Kevin got really upset when he woke up and learned his dad was coming back. His dad has a bad back, and Kevin worries about him. Everyone worries about everyone- so much fun!

So chemo. Talked to his mom more about it tonight. She’s gone through it before with her own mother. Someone needs to drive Kevin to chemo, stay with him there, and then drive him back. Then he’ll be sick for 1 to 3 days afterwards. Then when he’s better they do it all over again. This is worse-case scenario. So… I could probalby take an afternoon off or something but not 3 days in a row! Maybe we can set up chemo infusions on Friday so we have the weekend. But then I have no weekend to decompress.

Well I was honest with Kevin’s mom. I told her I can’t take that many days off. She confirmed that Kevin’s parents and 2 of his siblings will be involved in his chemo as much as possible. She also said to call her when i need help. Even call when I feel alone.

Ok time for bed. Got to get up early to catch up on work.